Broken Open Hearted…. a couple of weeks ago I posted this as my facebook status…. and many people didn’t know what it meant… and I want to tell you because it is a concept that quite frankly, changed my life. Today, I would like to share the (short version) of the journey my heart has taken over the past 10 years.
For years I walked around closed, wounded and broken. For years. My heart quite literally didn’t know how to open up. I had barred it closed with chains and nails and quite honestly there were very very few people that actually were allowed in.
After my divorce to the only person my heart had ever loved, I was afraid to open up to hurt again. I made people work so hard to make their way in. I made people prove to me that they really really wanted me before I would let them in. And even then it was hard to trust.
Then for some reason my heart opened…
… and I loved in a way I had never loved before. I loved in a way that I believe God loves, no conditions, no expectations, just pure love. When that love wasn’t reciprocated it tore my heart into pieces. I really didn’t recognize it at the time, but I was so so broken.
I met someone that loved me. He loved me so much he pushed through all of my walls. I’ll never forget one day though when, while trying to hug me, he said to me, “What happened to you? Who hurt you?” And the walls started coming down. I started to recognize the pain I was in and how it was affecting my life and relationships…
but I still didn’t know how to heal.
I chose to walk away from that love. I chose to leave it behind. And after that, I completely shut down. I realized that I didn’t want to get hurt like that again. Ever. I allowed my heart to close. I believed that love wasn’t in the cards for me and told everyone I knew that I was just fine alone.
“I’m an independent woman,” I said. “I don’t need a man,” I thought. “I’m fine on my own,” I told the world as my heart broke more and more.
Years went by. Three whole years. I opened my heart up again and had it stomped on, again.
In 2017 all hell broke loose. I pushed everyone away. Quite frankly just about every single person I knew. I have never experienced such loneliness and anxiety. I looked like I was doing fine on the outside, but internally I was a mess. I sincerely believed that there was something wrong with me and that no one would ever love me the way I so desperately wanted to be loved.
Then everything changed.
This summer I went through an intense transformational experience that changed my life.
I don’t tell you this story because it’s sad. I don’t tell this story to make you feel bad for me or to have you believe that I was miserable for 10 years. Because I wasn’t. I created many incredible experiences and memories, made many lasting friendships, and at many times felt very very happy.
I tell you this story because there were many times I didn’t recognize how bad I was hurting. But now that my heart has been set free I want to share what I have learned with everyone I love.
This summer I went through an experience where I was loved more intensely than I have ever been before. I experienced my heart break open and truly LOVE over 60 people in a way I didn’t even know was possible. I witnessed true transformation and what happens when people support one another and trust that they are supported.
We can love through heartbreak. We can rise and heal and love. For when our hearts break, they OPEN. And when your heart is OPEN it can 1) welcome in new love and 2) GIVE out love.
I thought by keeping my heart closed I was protecting myself. I thought I was keeping myself safe from hurt. But by closing my heart I closed off the opportunity to be loved and supported by others AND to give love.
I love loving people. So I choose to stay open. Even when my heart breaks, I choose to keep it open. For only then can joy be found.
I am a BROKEN-OPEN-HEARTED Warrior. 💛💛💛💛